Relationships and Forgiveness

     A wise woman once told me that relationships are the hardest thing in the world. I think there's a lot of truth to that statement.
     Just this week, I've had three conversations with people who are dealing with things involving trust, betrayal, or offense. We've all been there. Even a child who loses a best friend to another "cooler" kid on the playground can tell you that sometimes, people can be mean. Lets be honest. Sometimes, they can be downright nasty.
     Years ago at a women's retreat a speaker in one of my workshops said that Christians often confuse forgiveness with trust. Seems simple enough, but for me it was mind-blowing. You see, God does expect us to forgive. But forgiveness does not necessarily equal trust. The speaker in my workshop said that in, for example, an abusive relationship, God would not expect you to put yourself in danger by staying in a situation that isn't safe.

Matthew 10:16 says, ". . . be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves." (KJV)

Yes, forgive them in your heart but that doesn't mean be foolish. You shouldn't think that just because you forgave them that they will change their ways.

     Forgiveness isn't always instantaneous. It's easy to forgive someone who steps on the back of your shoe by accident. It might take a little longer to forgive someone who accidentally backs into your car. Other times, forgiveness takes a long time. A woman in our church once said that it can be like layers of an onion. Occasionally, someone in your life will not live up to your expectations. They will not be what they should be in your life. Someone may even betray you or stab you in the back. 

     These kind of offenses take longer to forgive. That's especially true if the other person doesn't think they did anything wrong. Like I said, relationships are hard. Forgiveness may not come quickly. It may feel like it will never come, even as you try to pray about it and let go. But like layers of an onion being peeled back, you are slowly releasing, one layer at a time, the hurt and pain. Trust the process. Know that as long as you are trying, God sees that and will grant you grace and help.

     And then there are the really big relationship issues, the times when someone hurts you so bad that you question your faith. You may question where God was or is in the midst of it. You may even be mad at God. As terrible as that sounds-and feels-He already knows. While it is incredibly important to remember that He has a plan in everything, you can also know that He will understand if you come to Him and just tell Him how you feel. I came across a verse this week that I've read a number of times. But in light of this topic it struck me differently.

Matthew 27:46 says, ". . . Jesus cried out in a loud voice . . . "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (NIV)

Hebrews 4:15 ". . . we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet he did not sin." (NIV)

     On the cross, Jesus felt all of our sins upon Him. He felt them. He had the weight of every hurt, every rumor, every offense, lie, and sin upon him. And He cried out and asked why God had forsaken Him, because he understood. Jesus had been lied about. Jesus had been mistreated. Jesus had felt betrayal. He felt these things that we feel. He experienced them. And He did not sin. Instead, He took all the those things that hurt us, all the offense and broken relationships, and He bore them on His back in a single great act of love and forgiveness. 

     All Jesus asks of us is to love, to forgive, to live at peace with others as best we can (see Rom. 12:18), and to bring our hurts to Him. He doesn't expect all our relationships to be perfect. We don't live in a perfect world and that's never going to happen.

     I once heard Mother Angelica (a sassy Catholic nun who I adore; check out reruns on EWTN) say that if you're going through tribulation, "then tribulate." When relationships hurt, when we try to fix things and can't, trust the process. Do as much as you can on your end but realize that in the end, you may not be able to repair every relationship or hurt. Know that that isn't your job. Did you hear me? That isn't your job. As a speaker in another workshop once said, "That's Jesus's job." 

     Love, forgive, try to make peace. And then, lay it all at the feet of Jesus. If it is meant to be repaired or restored He can do it. The hurt is real, the pain is real, but so is God. It might take a while, a long, long while, but God will make all things new. You will be wiser and better for it. Believe He has great things for you and great blessings in store. You may not be able to see it now but one day you will.

Love and prayers,

J 💙